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The 
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Reunion 2005
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Memoirs Of A Boring Fart!These are as you may have guessed my own memories. Sad to say that there are not as many of them, hence the Title! I did have my moments though! The BeginningLife as a TTE began for me on the 31st May
1980. I had taken the opportunity to gain work experience ‘On Site’. Site in
this case was an initial build 10,000 line Crossbar, which at the time was a
2-year installation contract, and employed 15 Installers (as opposed to my last
DMS 100 installation of 30,000 lines, using 5 Installers, over a period of 4
months – how efficient we have become!) The working environment was a bit of a culture shock. I had expected to work with guys that wore Dust - Coats, and were quietly spoken. Instead I ended up working with a bunch of Social misfits -Chronic Alcoholics, head-cases and Union Men. Why do I mention Union men? – One reason only- Frank McNulty – I hated him! This guy went out of his way to make my life a living hell. Just because I wouldn’t join his f*cking union! (The EEPTU had an agreement with GEC that all employees must join a Union as part of their contract of employment) Being determined not to take any shit from a bloody Communist, (Guess whom I used to vote for?) I had argued that being a member of the Students Union fulfilled my obligation to my contract, as it did not say which Union I should join. The relationship was not improved by the fact that the Site Installer made me work beside him on the IDF, which also meant that I had to listen to Frank Sinatra on his Ghetto Blaster - 8 hours a f*cking day! Once I thought I would be clever and hide all his tapes, all that happened was he started singing Frank Sinatra songs – worse than Frank Sinatra (And that’s difficult!) I gave him his tapes back. I mention Mr McNulty for obvious reasons. Even after I had joined the rest of you at Kingston. My persona had been twisted by said Union man to the extent that even in a very different environment (KCFE) I still couldn’t put the sod to the back of my mind! Not an hour of the day went by that I didn’t mention his name. Obviously this got picked up by a certain John Wallace who contrived with the good ‘Captain Sensible’ (John Lee) to make it known that I should be called by this name henceforth (Thanks Guys!) …And so to Kingston
The 1st
Year Recall the first day at College, Mark George, Huish Khatari, and the Local Midland bank Manager paid us all a visit in the morning. Will never forget Mark’s first words to us as a group. “My God! Look at the state of some of you!” I think he was referring to the Heavy Rock Brigade (whom included myself) but I believe his beady eye did linger in the direction of Andy Fielding for more than a Second or two!- Just kidding Andy! Mind you, at least Andy looked clean and had some dress sense. And no way were his Baggy’s as bad my stretch denim jeans! Fashion sense? Me? No danger! Initially tutorials and exams were easy. Mainly covering stuff from O level Physics, Maths etc. I don’t know when (just after Xmas maybe) it all caught up with me, and as a consequence, I had to take drastic action to remedy the failing exam results. Mrs. C’s accommodation was not an easy place to study with all the distractions. And at the time, Neil Burbidge was looking for a move away from his Digs in Motspur Park. He was in single room accommodation so, thinking that the peace and quiet would help conscientious study, I agreed to trade places with him. But not before having a major fallout with Russell McGregor! … It was about my Cowboy boots and all a bit stupid, childish, and my fault entirely. But to cut a long story short (and to spare my blushes!) it all ended with enquiring whether Mr. McGregor would perhaps like to step out on to Kingston-hill road where we could discuss our problems like gentlemen? Thankfully Russ ignored me and went to bed! It wasn’t in his nature to be violent but I think I would have came worse off! And also as a result, I never spoke to him for 6 months, which I deeply regretted and just to make me feel worse. He was the one that took the first step in remedying the situation by coming up and talking to me. Well, they say that confession is good for the soul… Anyway, I stayed at Motspur Park for a month. And then got an offer to share a room with Paul Stock. The accommodation was a large house in Norbiton; the landlord was letting 2 twin rooms for £20 a week/person. The idea was that Stocky and myself share one room and Steve boy Reader and Gez Taaffe share the other. At £20/week I didn’t refuse thinking that the extra money could be spent on getting home more often/ Beer/ HIFI/ More Beer/ Driving Lessons/ And even more Beer! What of course none of us took into account was how we were going to cook (no Kitchen facilities). The problem was resolved by my Father (who was angry at our stupidity) taking Myself/Stocky/Steve to a hardware store to purchase hotplate and pan. And so the final few months of 1st year when in digs were spent bickering about whose turn it was to use the Pan. I think towards the end, we all ended up eating sandwiches/fish suppers etc! I’ve already mentioned my Dad. He was in the Navy at the time and had got himself posted to Kingston at the then Hawker factory to do evaluation work on Sea Harrier. When he learned that I was to go to Kingston (and more importantly where) he said “That’s good! You’ll be living only a couple of Hundred yards from me” My heart sank… Mrs. C made a point of inviting him for dinner with all the other guys present. It didn’t do my Cred any good, (not that I had any Cred anyway). Eventually he moved to Teddington and then back home, he was ok really – I think he knew when to keep away, I dare say he has his own story to tell. Maybe I should give him the chance? I remember the Tax Rebate some of us were fortunate to get. I think that happened round about Easter time. The Rebate was worth round about £500. Also everybody found that their digs allowance had become tax-free. I couldn’t believe my luck! Recall Cranliegh Gardens Annex filling up with cars quite rapidly after that! ...And does anyone remember the 'Jolly' we had to Coventry? Stayed in Novotel that night where a few of us got aboslutely shit-faced. I shared a room with Glem Phillips, and after a mulitude of beers I had decided to use the bed as trampoline ... and broke it! had to prop one side up with one of the drawers. Can also recall us all sitting on the bus the next day - I had to sit next to Mal - He smelt like he'd bathed in Special Brew and Vodka! I can remember pissing myself laughing at some jokes told by John Wallace (Him again!) during a tutorial period and Sergio Leone going Scripto at me for it. The reason I bring this up is that I can still remember the jokes: - (Q) What’s blue
and swings from tree to tree? (A) A monkey in a
Denim jacket! (Ok – Its Scottish humour, but even now it’s quite funny) (Q) What’s white
and swings from tree to tree? (A) A Fridge? (I didn’t laugh quite as much at this one but it gave the final joke gave it it’s significance) (Q) What’s blue
and white and swings from tree to tree? (A) A fridge in a
denim jacket! At this point I couldn’t contain myself. I started shaking uncontrollably almost falling off the chair, laughing out loud. I think Leoni must have thought I was having some kind of fit because he shouted over at me with some concern in his voice. Of course I was in no fit state to answer, I couldn’t even get up and leave the room. It must have taken me a good 2 minutes to regain control of myself. When I looked up there was Leoni looking at me like I with utter disdain and sitting next to me was John Wallace trying to cover the grin on his face with his book! After 1st year of college we were split into 2 blocks and further divided when going on company courses. The first of these courses was the TXE4 Basic Installation Course. Some of us did this in Birmingham Training School. We stayed at the Lomax House Hotel in Aston. Its reputation preceded it! ...It was known for bad service, crap food, and Room 16! For those of you (un)lucky enough not to have stayed there let me explain… To the rear of the Hotel there was house, and in this house lived a lady of mature years who insisted on having a wash at her kitchen window every night completely disrobed. Being a very hygienic person she always made sure to wash her most private parts right in front of the window. And then just to make sure that the aforementioned parts worked correctly she would have a ‘menage et une’ with various ‘tools’. Needless to say this attracted the attention from the male hotel guests, but only the ones in room 16 - as it had clear view to said lady’s window. UNTIL! I found out that you could also see the action from Room 21! The added advantage being that this room’s window led out on to a flat roof. Thus allowing 5 or 6 guys to quietly watch ‘the show’… Of course there was nothing quiet about us therefore we would stand there shouting encouragement and obscenities at the poor woman. Eventually it drew the attention of the Hotel Manager who warned us off the roof and eventually wouldn’t let any of us stay in room 21. Unfortunately the stupid Bugger didn’t take into account that room 23 also had a window which led onto the same roof, so we all just quietly watched from there instead. Towards the end of the course I found myself one evening sitting in the hotel bar in the company of some installers. One of the older chaps gave myself and 2 other youngsters the low – down on the said lady: “ If you go round there, knock quietly on the window, she’ll let you in and …”Can’t remember the whole conversation, but the three of us looked at one another and decided to give it a go! I can remember half running round there, trying to look inconspicuous HA HA! No chance of that! I even recall arguing with other guys about ‘who gets in first’. When we got round there we did as instructed. She opened the door; I took one look at her and promptly shat myself. ...The lady looked from afar quite presentable, close up she was horrendous. She was wearing a house coat open at the front. I can remember at the time noticing two (what I thought were) dimples either side of her belly – button. It took me a couple of minutes to realise they were nipples! I looked at the other two guys “Good” I thought – they looked as pale and shit-scared as me – but we went in anyway. Introductions were made and we were led through to living room. Recall thinking that for a Clatty Bitch she kept a very clean house. By this time none of us could speak without a hint hysteria in our voices. Eventually she offered us a sherry to calm our nerves. “Oh Dear, I don’t seem to have enough sherry, but wait a minute I’ve got a better idea!” She then poured the contents of the bottle down the front of her and told us to lick it off! ...A little voice in my head was saying, “go for it” however the spectacle was all too much for a clueless Teenager. I started to mumble excuses like “I don’t drink” despite the fact that I must have smelled like Brewery after my session at the Hotel. Eventually she realized that we were all virgins and threw us out. On the way back to the hotel we all tried to prop-up what was left of each others Ego’s by saying things like “ I was up for it but I didn’t want to be the last one in after you” etc. Condoms? – Hadn’t thought of them! On the way back round to the Hotel we met Simon Malins who had run round to see if he could get a piece of the action, when we told him there was no action to be had, he looked quite disappointed to say the least!
Second Year Second year was easily the best year of the TTE Scheme for me. Mainly because that a change of policy in college and GEC meant that I could go home every week. But also because in the first block of college I stayed in the YMCA. This was the best accommodation that GEC had engaged in the whole Four years. It was all single rooms so one could lock the door and study in peace. The building also housed female as well as male residents, which even though I came up plums, was nonetheless a nice distraction! We all got back to college on Monday only to be presented with some shock-news. The first of our number had been dismissed, Namely Andy Fielding. And a whole bunch of other guys had been given written warnings. I’m not going to go into details about this as it is not my story to tell and anyway Andy tells it a whole lot better than I could. I will say that with hindsight, I don’t think the incident merited a dismissal. I go along with the idea that GEC needed to get rid of some of us and this was a Gift Horse. It also had the added bonus of giving everyone a clear message that the hatchets were out. I for one knew I had to buck my ideas up! As far as exams went, for the 1st 3 Telecomm exams I got 100%! And never went below 80%, same with Maths and got reasonable results in everything else. Quite surprising really considering that the exams were on Friday morning when on Thursday night you would find ALL of the YMCA crew down at ‘The Lamb’ – a really good pub. The landlord was very tolerant with us – unlike the locals! But I’ll Let Geordie tell that story! Just before Christmas 1981 there was a total white out in Britain. Everything came to a standstill. So on this one weekend, going home was out of the question. I was glad it happened because the YMCA had a Christmas Disco, which turned out to be really good, I even managed to cop a lumber! It was also this year that we saw Simon 'Mal' Malins creative skills come to the fore! Now Mal had an acid wit about him that he could express in the form of a cartoon usually the Hero/victim being drawn was Steve Lavine. Can remember Mal at the end of 2nd year presenting Geoff Lawday with a representation of the 'Calculus Rules' and then there was the card that was presented to a lassie called Dawn! It had a caricature of Steve Lavine with a laurel design of caricatures of the other members of the class, and below it read - Dawn, Dawn, - I give you my Horn! Upon opening the card, Mal had managed to engineer a pop-up Penis. Needless to say when Dawn recieved this card, she was none too happy. As I remember it Steve Lavine had to run for his life, and she successfully Chinned Mal! In the spring (2nd Block) I found myself in Mrs Dawson’s at Norbiton Sharing a room with Dave Williamson. I would like to say now; it was thanks to Dave that I got my ONC as he helped me a great deal with College work. Dave also supplied the transport for me to go up and see a Lass that I was ‘seeing’ in Lancaster University. Ended up going up to Lancaster every weekend for nine weeks. All good fun! Until the day Mark George collared me in class and told me to phone my Mother! All sorts of things were going through my mind, A death/accident in the family? – NO! - Called home and found that it was because I hadn’t called or been seen by the rest of the family for over two months! It didn’t end there, Mum, pressed me for a reason, I told her that I was going up to Lancaster to see a friend (In the beginning that was true) She didn’t believe me! And asked who she was and was further warned to supply all the details, as she would know if I was lying! Nonetheless I did manage to avoid telling her about the more intimate details, though I knew she wasn’t convinced. When I finally left KCFE I found that while I had been ‘giving one’ to this female, she had given something to me… a dose of the Crabs! I found out just after getting home and had to confess to Mum – she immediately got some DDT based shampoo and treated me like a leper for 2 days! The next thing to happen was Lindley Lodge. It had its moments but I didn’t really enjoy it. The only thing I can remember from this was John Wallace and Mike Tierney Sneaking into my room via the window and scaring the shit out of me. Other than that I reckoned the course was a complete waste of time. (Although the song ‘Flush all your troubles Away’ By Wolfie’s group still raises a smile!) The 2nd year ended with the Basic Testing Course at Bristol Training School. I enjoyed that course as it was based on the Crossbar Switch. However a small altercation happened between myself and Girdeep Singh to which I shall now relate... Just before the course, I had (Finally) managed to pass my driving test and had decided (against better advice) to drive down to Bristol. Upon getting there Girdeep had asked me on a few occasions if he could borrow my car to which I refused. Citing that he did not have insurance. I had thought nothing else of it until one day I was sitting in the classroom looking for my ignition keys - they'd gone. I looked out of the window - My car had gone. I looked at the desk next to mine - Girdeep had gone 2+2=4! I went into a fit of rage - I was gonna kill that b*stard I thought. When I saw the car coming back into the car park, I ran out at Max Chat. Girdeep must have seen the look on my face because all he did was throw the car keys at me and run like f*ck. Eventually I calmed down and I found my Karma again, but it took me a while to forgive Girdeep. The irony of this tale is I drove back up to Scotland the next day and shunted some guy in a Ford Fiesta - Economicaly writing off my own car in the process!
Third Year Where 2nd year had been good, 3rd year was probably the worst year of my life let alone the course. For the first block I had been put in Mrs C’s, and so the exam results started slipping once again. No peace, no quiet. I had to attend a family funeral one Friday (with Mark George’s permission) and consequently missed an exam, returned on the Monday to re-sit and failed (I was too upset to study) which immediately put me on Mark George’s Hit List for a written warning! And although the disciplinary hearing found in my favour. It didn’t happen until the end of the second block. Which didn’t help study. As a result of this I begged Mark George to take me out of KCFE and concentrate on getting work experience and in-house Training. To be honest, I’m glad that he refused, lets face it the latter half of 3rd and 4th year we always had ‘help’ to pass the exams in some form or another! This year also saw two other guys join Block 2. Steve Williams (Nee Bates) had joined from Block 2 on the second College Block - due to the fact that he’d alienated from just about everybody in Block 1 due to an incident mentioned previously. Mark Andrews also joined us from Ulster to complete his training. The end of the 3rd year saw all of us get the Digital course AKA ‘The redundancy Course’. This course served only one purpose – to weed out Commissioning Engineers who weren’t going to get to grips with the new technology. It was a very unfair course as well. Basically the company took bunch of professional School Boys (TTE's) and used our average mark as the pass mark for the rest of the Commissioning Engineers. A lot of these poor blokes didn’t stand a chance.
Fourth Year As far as KCFE was concerned I can remember very little – the main objective was to ‘obtain’ the exam papers and get a photo-copy (could never get hold of Ron Church’s – why was that?) and return paper to file. I’m not going to mention names, but the daring of those involved is to be applauded. Eventually we ended up having the answers written before the exam started! The only one we had problems with were the ‘Ron Church’ Subjects – but even he would give us really good clues as to the content of the exams! By the time I had got to the final day of college I had had enough! I was pissed off with the constant studying just for a piece of paper. (Or that’s what I thought at the time) As we left the college, Mike Tierney asked me if I wanted to go to the Pub for a drink. I, being in a post – Ron Church - exam - foul - mood made it quite clear I did not. …Sorry Mike In conclusion I can’t fault the course. Company sponsored Traineeships (let alone apprenticeships!) are well and truly a thing of the past, unless a young person opts for Government service. There is no doubt we were all very privileged young men. We were paid way above average by apprentice standards on top of which we had quite generous travel/subsistence allowances. In house training saw us stay in some of the best (and worst!) hotels in the country. That doesn’t happen to Teenager’s these days… I feel sorry for them. I would even venture to suggest that it was character
building! Would I do it all again? – I’d have to say yes! Alan Nicholson April 1st 2003 |
